I feel like there just has to be something new breaking in the news soon. I mean I can't even find a damn thing on the internet or tv remotely interesting or exciting. I've resorted to going to Perez Hilton, for God's sake. In brief, THE only good things I have found to cheer me up are:
1. The Soup. As promised by Lu and Christina and my mahvelous seester, that is some funny shit. F-U-N-N-Y.
2. David Spade - On his news report..."This just in...the Vodka company previously announced as the title sponsor on Lindsay's 21 st bday party has pulled out. The good news is (flash to map of Colombia) the government of Colombia is still on board to provide party favors. Funny ass shit.
3. Repeated airings of that dumbass Miss America landing on her ass. What's really funny is not the ass landing, but the fake oscar-worthy performance that follows...where you can almost read her mind...'it didn't happen, keep going, they probably didn't even notice...it wasn't that bad, I bet the camera didn't even catch it...it'll all blow over.' Yeah, it blew over like a big fart in first class. Everyone wants to see the pretty girl fall. Come on, you know that shit is funny.
So, in case I am your only news source to what's going down in the HollyHood...here's the latest count of rehabbers, jailed debutantes and those awaiting sentencing or on the cusp of shizz-asster...
Jailed: Duh, Princess P and her hair extensions are incarcerated. 15 hours in, was reported as cooperative and nice. Yeah, let's hear when she has been sleeping for awhile on worse surfaces than I sleep on when camping. I swear I saw a homeless guy with a sweet piece of eggcrate that was thicker than that jailbed. I can just see her sporting bed sores and having to spend 20 of her 23 days in sickbay because her bony ass poked through her skin. She already missed lunch meeting with her lawyer, so she has no doubt looking to shed a few pounds during her stay as well. I guarantee you she lied about her lockdown weight too. She 5 7" and says she weighs 115. Liar. Those extensions have to be atleast 3 lbs alone.
Next for sentencing: Nicole. BFF of Inmate Hilton. Shaking in her tiny little shoes, no doubt. And people are wondering why she is still with ignition keys in hand...she did worse things behind the wheel than Paris and still has her license? Mmm? Does this mean Lionel Ritchie is more powerful than Kathy Hilton with the legal eagles in LA? Also, Nicole went on Seacrest's radio show to defend her Memorial Day bbq invite...where no girls weighing over 100 would be allowed through the door...a scale would be at the door...does this mean Paris couldn't get in? ha ha
Rehab: Lindsay. I say she is going to skip Jail and end up with Anna Nicole. I swear this on
Normal girls acting up: Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Jessica Simpson. I swear they are acting up to get in the news. Even Avril Lavigne is flying the bird at paparrazzi. Can you image what it must be like to be a nice girl in Hollywood right now? No rap sheet or booking photo, no press. I look for someone to pull a Winona Ryder anyday now and "oops" lift a blouse at Kitson or Fred Segal. Like they say, bad pr is better than no pr.
Leaving you now to go find some other inspiration. Gotta start packing for the vacation. I got 3 bathing suits in the mail today from Swimsuitsforall.com. What an awesome thing...trying it on in your own home. Terrific. My husband killed one of them for too much boobage. I guess he wants my hooker look to stay at home this vacation. Buzzkiller. Bye now.
And thanks again for all the nice notes on the loss of Tabitha. It was really nice to read and cheer me up. You're all the best.
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Wait, wait - Nicole Ritchie actually had a weight limit for entrance to her BBQ? Seriously, as horrible as that is - that's also totally awesome. I mean, I hate LiLo, and Paris annoys the holy hell out of me (which is a shame, I was on the Paris/Nicky bandwagon back before Paris did her first sex tape and went on Simple Life...and I still unabashedly love Nicky - Nicky's the good daughter), but I love that a former fatty like Nicole Ritchie is that much of a bitch - I mean, I truly, truly love that. I'm sure they made exceptions for the tall bitches - cos like, Nicole is 5'1 or 5'2 chicas that are 6 - 8 inches taller than her can't be expected to weigh under a c-note. I mean, Mischa Barton, her BFF (she and Paris reconciled, but Mischa and Nicole are still where it's at - and I think Mischa is a horrible actress, but freaking gorgeous, so I love her) was there - had to go to the hospital because of the whole "drinking with medication" no -no (and really, who among us hasn't made that mistake at least once... Really? Just me...oops. I didn't end up in the hospital, though I probably should have, seeing as I'm pretty sure I started puking up my own bile), and while she's skinny as a mofo - I know that girl weighs over 100 lbs, just because of her height. I mean, she might not weigh above 105 or 106, but she definitely weighs over 100 lbs (I would be awesome as one of those guess your age/weight people at carnivals.
I just got a new bathing suit too -- my first one piece since I entered puberty, but it's totally hot: see it rules
Where are you going for vacation? And how many days before they let Paris out of the clink? I still think she'll be home within a week (they let Michell Rodriguez out in less than 24 hours - and she was in gen-pop - though that might have been because she was immediately totally, totally popular and probably could have orchestrated a riot or something).
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