Top 20 Countdown...the male species

I love Ryan's outfit tonite.  He might have stole it off someone on the red carpet, since he is fresh off the Oscar's gig. 

Michael Johns likes to play tennis.  mmm...he seems a little bit older and more polished, like as if Bono was up there with like Fall Out Boys.  Both good, but one so outta' the other's league.   And Michael Johns is hitting some really pitchy notes tonite.  Ummm...sorry but this is not working for me dude.  I'm sorry.  I really want to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else, but he has never done it for me, and tonite did not sway my vote.    Randy and Pauler give him some sort of kind of good comments, and now SIMEY...'weakest performance' and 'coasting'.  Weak choice.  Hey, Simey has a new sweater on.  My gosh, someone has gotten some new threads.  Shocking.

Jason Castro...mmm...little bit of a dummy cat in those interview outtakes.  Ok, music time...GOOD SONG CHOICE.  he's great.  He's making a lameass BeeGees song sound decent. Ok, now are you looking at those perfect teeth and blue eyes.  He's dreamy, but damn, boring as vanilla ice cream.  He's need to top it off with some jimmies.   I likes me some Jason, but he's not long for this thing.  He's never going to win this shit with those dreadlocks.

People, let me digress here a bit and talk about how this shit goes down.  

These people are getting up there and try to think of their performances as little, tiny movie trailers (produced by The Ant Farm, of course)...and at the end of the show, America is going to vote for what movie they want to see more of...it's that simple.  And so, who is America?  Well, it a bunch of diverse target audiences.  12 year olds, teeny bopper mallrats, stir in some nerd boys, and that's your youngest segment.  Then you have your 'dormer' which is all the people that should be studying but are hanging out in the study lounges, chewing on Domino's and watching the show with their roommates.  Then, there are the cool moms & pops that think this is their one and only chance to sit down each week with their kids and 'bond'.    

So, who's the biggest voting block and who they will vote for?  And finally, the winner is the person that appeals to a percentage of each and every one of these voting blocks.  Now, let me bring this home...Michael Johns is sort of polarizing.  He's appealing, I believe to the older segments, where I don't think the big #'s are dialing.   I don't see him making it to the top 5.  I really don't.  So, this concludes American Idol 101 for tonite.  But this is how I analyze it.  

Ok, so that Luke Menard dude sang during that last bit, and I don't even care.  BORING.

Robbie Carrico, Foreigner "Hot Blooded".  Umm...it's ok...atleast he is moving around on the floor.   Umm.  What is this karaoke night?  Tonite this is just really killing me in blandness.

Does Pauler have a shoehorn as a necklace tonite?  She's got her Mallboro Man outfit on.  She's so funny.  Greg says she has her titties hanging out again.  LOL  I love his armchair commentary.  He thinks she is so silly.

OH BOY, little Danny is coming up.  For those of you watching Project Runway...isn't Danny's hair sort of like Christian's?  He's singing the Carpenter's.  OMG.  I am rolling on the flipping floor.  yes, typing and rolling.  And btw, Karen Carpenter is an idol of mine, and therefore, I am very resentful that he is taking down her song...God rest her soul.   Oh, my he is awful on this with his little lip moves.  Ok, it wasn't really that BAD, but it was such a disconnect for me.  I just can't get it.  OMG, Danny is so happy that SimonSez he looks good on camera.  That is like he won the show right there.  Listen, if he wants to get the little girly vote, he's just going to have to dim that flame a bit.  That's alls I'm sayin'.  DIM THAT FLAME.

David Hernandez - oh, he was a little tumbler as a little tyke.  Singing..ok, but nothing worth writing home about...or blabbing on this blog about, as the case may be.

Listen, another sidebar, do you think these little personal stories are good?  Hell no.  If someone was to ask me something about myself, I'd have myself a freakin' insane story made up.  Like: "America, I was not born in a hospital, but was born on the Pirates of the Carribean ride at Disneyland.  My mom's ride got stuck, her water broke, and that boat ride started with 10 passengers and ended with 11.  And guess what?  Disneyland gave me a lifetime pass, and my birth certificate says I was born at Disneyland USA."   

Jason, looking like a thin Val Kilmer, is singing Doobie Brothers.  Nice song, and he's sort of making it his own, but damn again, no one is killing me here with their talent.   Do I need to turn up the volume on my hearing aids?  BTW, I only listen to these performances...not really watch them, so I am really listening and judging vocals.  If they look goofy, that is sort of not in my equation.   Oh, Simon slammed that dude down.  Oh, was that brutal.  Man.  How do you not leap off that stage and rip his British throat out?  I'll tell you why you don't, because that badass Ryan is packing heat on that stage.  OMG.  Can you imagine Ryan trying to stop Danny Noriega?

 OK, here comes Chikezie Jacuzzi.  He's singing Donny Hathaway.  HEY, I LIKE IT.  Hey, you know what?  I hear some talent in there.  Listen up peeps, he may look like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air's buddy, but he sangs, he SANGS.  What's his name?  Why is he wearing a freaking dayglo orange jogging watch with that blue polo?  OK, now that dude has just done something that has actually broken through the clutter.  He's taken control on that stage, and you know how I know?  I stopped typing and hit rewind.  And it was perfect and unstaged, that jab at Simon, and it was perfectly timed.  You can't teach that shit in rocker school.

David Cook - I LIKE IT.  It's cool.  Hubby does not and I wish he would shut it.  It's like suddenly I'm sharing a couch with Simey.  He's screaming soemthing about this is an "anthem" song, blah blah.  Ok, so I like it.  I loved the electric guitar.  I thought it actually gave him personality.  

Ok, now David Archuleta pulls out a damn good story, backs it with video, albeit grainy, and a relevant topic to Idol.  He frickin' plays the Kelly Clarkson card.  Come on people.  COME ON?  Is that what I was talking about?  You betta' believes it.

Now he throws down and brings us John Lennon... and sings it with a little Archie spin on it.  "Archie being my little nickname for him".  He was stellar.  FAR above the rest of the males this evening.  I'm telling you people, you laugh, but he's my early pick.   And Randy backs me up.  I hope he doesn't flame out too soon.  Don't cry dude.   Oh, now Randy is screaming fire.  OMG, Pauler wants to dangle him from her rear view mirror. That quote WILL appear on TALK SOUP this week.  I bet a dollar.  Simon..let's hear it.   I agree, I would have never pulled Lennon.  That falls under the Celine Dion or Mariah Carey clause.  Don't bite off what you can't chew.  But he did it, so gets a pass.  OK<>

Going home:  Luke Menard and Jason "Val Kilmer" Yeager

Overall, I am starting to think we had 18 one hit wonders on this show, and they used them all in the tryouts.  There are only 2 and maybe 3 guys worth listening to, and the rest of them sounded like I was listening to them on an 8-track.  Stinky.