My Day at the Mall, Magic shoes and other random stuff...

Warning people. This is going to be a long one…

I awoke this morning so incredibly inspired. Queen Lee Lee has guests, so I can’t call her and I just have so much to talk about. So, since I can’t call…and I’ve already yakked my mom and sister’s ears off, I’m going to dump my stories on you. Actually, I feel the need for a therapeutic confessional…

So here are my random thoughts:

Update on Lu’s Excellent Adventure to Greece: Our friend Lu is kicking some vacay ass. She is having a wonderful time. I’m telling you, I am going on a vacay with her some day. She absolutely knows how to rock it, and she is fucking funny as hell. She and her bff traveler companion have named several of the guests at her hotel, the main ones they see every now and again. They also have a theme song for the trip, something in Greek that sounds like “Walk the Line” so they call it Yanni Cash. LOL Here’s a little exerpt from her blog where she is talking about a stop her tour boat made on a random island :

I am not quite sure what we were doing stopping there...oh wait, I guess there are like 170 stairs to go to the village, which has ONE restaurant and NO stores...eww....We stayed at the shore and had some tasty vittles. Seriously, divey place and bumpin food. We had shrimp and bbq pork kabob, and then a greek salad (the standard) and then finished it off with a gyros from this other place. We were horsing it up/ Of course then we had to check out yet another rock beach and dip our toes in the water. Finally on our way back to the boat, we had some ice cream...Ok so that island was really just an eat stop for us.

See…Lu and I are just alike. Food and shopping would lure me to take 170 steps. Food only…Forget it. Shopping only…toss up. Depends on the value of the dollar.

New topic: My Day at the mall yesterday
People... I made that mall my bitch yesterday. Queen Lee Lee could not believe I was going shopping (this from the Queen of retail that has bought like 5 pairs of black shorts for a 7 day vacation…I digress…)
So, because she challenged me…I had to persevere. I was literally only going for 1 hour, to get some envelopes for Halloween cards I’m making, and to get a massage from the mall masseuse…so let’s start there.
Hour #1: I arrived at mall and immediately had to go to ladies room, which landed me in Macy’s. Mistake #1. First stop, the Christmas trees. I resisted and did not buy one ornament. Miracle. And that’s pretty much the last thing I resisted for the rest of the day. I went to the shoe department because it was by the escalator. Honestly, I had a 20% off shopping pass that was going off in my purse like a car alarm. Not buying something in Macy’s was like leaving money on the floor. It simply would not do. So, I ended up finding some 40% off shoes that I was going to buy full price a few weeks ago, but they didn’t have my size. And hooyah…cha-ching. 40% + add’l 20% off...they were practically free. ***Programming note: It’s key to note that my credit card has made it's maiden voyage out of the wallet and been scanned, along with a discount coupon. This little event summons a girl's best friend... the discount shopping karma fairy. She flies to the cash register, and sprinkles dollar sign dust on your card. This empowers the card to find tons of special bargains later on at the mall, and also guarantees you will use the card again, repeatedly, with discounts. Once the card has left the wallet, it’s VERY difficult to keep it locked up. Especially with the Discount Fairy Dust.

Now for those of you not at the Olympic level of shopping as I am…a multiple Gold Medalist…then you don’t know the shopping strategies I am about to share with you…free of charge. They aren’t so much strategies, more like “mental states of mind”. You’ve got to go into that mall, with the right attitude, to be rewarded with goods and services that make you feel like a Princess, but you paid for them, as if you are a pauper.

First, NEVER go to the mall with the voice in your head telling you that your purse is full of cash. This results in you finding nothing that you can afford, OR you buy something, just to buy it and you end up looking like Bea Arthur.
Second, NEVER go to the mall with the voice in your head telling you that time is irrelevant and you have all the time in the world. This results in you finding everything you need immediately, nothing excites you and you are done in 22 minutes. Buzz kill.
Third, ALWAYS shop with a list in your head of what you need and let the little voice rattle it off repeatedly. This allows the wonderful phenomenon my husband terms “seeing something shiny” which takes you completely off list and wandering into stores you would never, ever consider on another day. I call this “fuck the list” shopping and the euphoria is …well, euphoric.

Now, let’s see how I put these strategies into play.

Little voice sez:
“Cole, you don’t need a damn thing. Your suitcase is packed and it weighs 41.7 pounds. You have a little wiggle room in case you buy a souvenir. (In case…ha ha…I can’t believe the voice in my head actually said that with a straight voice…who is she kidding, that voice. She obviously doesn’t know me as well as the real me does…) And you need to save your money for the trip.”
Result: 2 new shirts for trip…Bargains. Couldn’t be passed up.

“Cole, you are here for 2 things…the massage and the Halloween cards”
“Cole, you have a pedicure appointment at 4:00…do not forget, and you have to stop by Trader Joe’s for garlic for dinner.”

3 hours later...Result:
Massage – check
Halloween cards – check
Random stores that sucked me in resulted in: new concealer, red shoes, black shoes, Old Navy hoodie (I have never gone in Old Navy in like 6 years…haha), Toffee Nut latte from non-Starbucks establishment, Chik-Fil-A because the mall tripper sample sucked me in…satin blouse from JC Penny (again, never shop there ever but it was so damn cheap it was practically free), black sweater at Macy’s…oh god I am dizzy just typing this all down. One trip to car to dump stuff and back in for round 2.

Hour number 4: This trip back inside, I found the special red shoes. OMG, I bought red patent leather shoes.
They are the most awesome shoes of my life. I feel so sassy in them, I decide to search out the perfect sweater to wear with them. And like, poof, there it is. I go into a store and it yells at me…Here I am…so I wisk into the dressing room and put it on, with the red shoes in place. And the salesgirl exclaims, cute! And the girl next to me sez “Cute”, but I don’t know, it’s a jumper and my boobs are jumping and I’m not feeling comfortable. I don’t know, it’s a tunic, and I’m not sure. It goes to my knees. Mmmm. And then, this 6 ft lady pops out and looks at me and says, “No”. Just like that. “No”. She says it made my ass look wide. Can you believe it? And then she said, ‘Sorry, I’m just honest…I feel like you ought to know.” She did tell me to buy the jeans because they made my ass look round, but no on the sweater. Why was this lady so enthralled with my ass…which I guess I now know is flat and wide as the Texas Plains. And I said, “Thank you…could you come to my house tomorrow and let me try on my entire wardrobe for you, I need some more “What Not To Wear” advice.” She laughed and went back into her room.
So, she saved me $50 bucks…and off I went.

To sum up the day…
Never made it to Trader Joe’s, spilled an entire coke on the floor in Macy’s while begging salesgirl to get a ladder to disrobe a mannequin, and was 2 minutes late for pedicure.

Reward: My husband took me to dinner in Napa, I wore my new red shoes, flirted with the bartender while husband was in bathroom and we were waiting on our table. Bigger reward: Bartender comped my wine and hubby’s beer. God those shoes are magic.

Five (5) Days until Hawaii. I already am noticing my restless leg syndrome is at an all-time speed with anticipation of the trip. OMG, I have to go find my sleeping pills and Xanex now. I tend to get overly excited like a Chihuahua on vacations, and that Xanex will really chill my ass down.
Happy Sunday everyone.