Vacation Over = Uber-Buzzkill

OMG...allow me a moment of silence as I pray for the lost feeling of nirvana that is the Aloha Spirit of Hawaii.

Luckily, I have found many ways to prolong the experience. I bought a really pricey and awesome body lotion on the island and now when I need a "hit of Hawaii" I sniff my forearm. It may look weird but I could be putting worse things up my nose, right? I also have dishes of shells spread all over my house, and bags of coconut and Hawaiian flavored coffee. Unfortunately, those edible souvenirs are not making it to the loved ones. We have eaten our weight in Kauai Kookies. YUMMERS. God forbid I find those in a store on the Mainland.

Well, what else is going on? I'll tell you what. It was such perfect timing to be out of tv land during the first week of the new Fall Season. I had so many hours of Tivo built up the box was smokin' when we came home. I think I heard it panting. My and my G man sat for literally 10 hours over the past 2 days and watched about 17 shows. No kidding. And here are my reviews.

1. The Office - FUNNIEST FUCKING SHOW ON TV. The first 1 minute 30 seconds is funnier than anything I've ever seen on that show. They blew it out.
2. DIRTY SEXY MONEY - How did they make Peter Krause more sexier than when he was on Six Feet Under? Don't know, don't care, it's 47 minutes in TIVO time of pure Eye Candy. Billy Baldwin is excellent even if associated with that f'd up family. This wins my vote as my favorite new show, although TIVO failed me in recording Gossip Girl, and Pushing Daisies hasn't started yet, so I may have to change vote.
3. Back to You - Kelsey Grammar's new show with Everybody Loves Raymond's Patricia Heaton: well, it's hard not to see Frasier and Deborah duking it out, really. Sort of weird. Very funny Fred Willard and the sweating news director is funny.
4. Grey's Anatomy - love it as always.
5. Chuck - haven't seen it but plan to start tivo'ing it.
6. Ugly Betty - probably my most favorite show (besides The Office) and it was really good.
7. Desperate Housewives - haven't watched it yet. Going right now.
8. Private Practice - haven't seen it either yet. It's on TIVO
9. Survivor China - pretty good peeps and one piece of eye candy that keeps me tuning in. Lots of boobs for the men folk.
10. "Til Death - love this show. really do. Joely Fisher is really awesome and the neighbors are really starting to pick it up.
11. Mad Men - best new show this summer...AMC ...hope you watched it. It's on DEMAND for Comcast peeps.
12. Curb Your Enthusiasm - same old funny shit. Larry's pretty nuts with the Black katrina victim family he is housing.

So, those are my top ten right now. I haven't seen finale of Top Chef yet, (this week is the end) AND I CAN'T wait. I hope the Jennifer Aniston Casey wins. Got the new Rascal Flatts cd this weekend. It's awesome, no shock there.

Well, if I dig up some more awesome Hawaii pics I'll let you guys in on it. Had a great time.

Mahalo!!!

ColeyB

Too Much Fun

Yes, it is completely possible to have too much fun. I have pushed myself to the limits and now have to slow down. The hike to Secret Beach has me eyeing the medical device place across the street. I need a walker. One of those you put tennis balls on the bottom and just shuffle along. I don't think I have the energy to even walk over there to get it. Me and QLL were going to Wal-Mart last night to buy cheap souvenirs and couldn't even manage to go after the huge ass meal we scarfed down. NO shit, for 4 people we had 8 dinner sized plates on our table. We wanted a little surf and turf. Little did we know, that would be a giant steak and a giant fish complete with giant veggies. and we all ordered appetizers. HOLY melitto. This did not stop us from having pie and coffee when we got home, watching Top Chef. Which really, if you think about it for a foodie, like me, watching Top Chef, is like an alcoholic watching a bartender competition. It really gets your taste buds going.

Well, this is why I brought a basket of Rolaids. Fruit flavored. Yummy.

Cole

Lunching in Hawaii

Here's a snap of me and Queen Lee Lee having lunch the other day in Hanalei. I'm the one with the fashionable Beyonce' Hobo bag that's all the rage right now, and QLL is sporting the baseball cap due to a bad rinse job at the beauty shop.

OMG I can hardly type this without cracking up. Aren't those ladies hysterical? They were so done up..complete with silk scarf wrap and the way she applied that lipstick, I had time to find my camera and do a total sneak papparazzi snap.

LOL. Lu, I will try to call you today!!! Got your message. Can't wait to hear about Greece.

Mahalo and aloha!!!

ColeyB

Hottie @ the Hot Tub

Breaking news from the Waipouli Hot Tub...I sat with Ben Stiller's personal assistant for the filming of Tropical Thunder, currently being filmed on the island. Ben, Jack Black, Nick Nolte, and Matthew McCou....hey...and wait for it....Robert Downey Jr. This guy in the tub with me was the spittin' image of Leanardo DiCaprio. Actually, as hard as I was staring at him...he was Leo. You know that trick I play where I stare at clouds and/or people and see celebrities??? well, today was a good one.

Anyway, he was super groovy and I actually let the f word fly and he laughed. He said the movie was comedy action.

Here's some stellar pics from yesterday's groovy hike to the lava pools. Honestly, if I choke on a shrimp at lunch and yesterday was my last day in the ocean, I will die happy. Not just because a shrimp took me out either, since it's my favorite food. But because swimming in nature's hot tubs was so awesome and something I've never experienced before in my life. The ocean just washes over the lava rock and fills up the shore to form pools of fish. It's definitely an experience.

Bye for now.

Shout out to Hopey! We have sand!!! Miss ya'. QLL was going to drunk dial you but fell asleep before getting drunk. Our 10 o'clock run for toilet paper and cheetos took it out of us.

No Kidding...a Fish Bit me today!!!

OMG, I got bit by a fish. I have never been so shocked in my life. Growing up on Texas Gulf Coast and swimming in the freakin' lake all summer...I've never been bitten by a fish. So, here's how it happened...

Went snorkeling. I remember from our honeymoon that the snorkeler dive master dude gave us all packets of crackers to lure the fish. Well the only thing we had were some kettle potato chips..cheddar herb flavor. Well, I headed out with snorkle mast and all the gear..and here they came. It was insane. And one got aggressive for the chip..and got my finger instead. I couldn't believe I actually felt fish teeth. I screamed, which meant the mouthpiece fell out of my mouth and now I am choking. I never swam so fast in my life because I wasn't sure I wasn't bleeding. Could have been a fucking piranha. That bastard fish had some little needles for teeth, but sadly it didn't even break the skin. I was disappointed because it made my story less exciting. But Greg did swear he saw the red marks. And I guess he was watching me pretty close from shore in case I started to drown, and he saw me pop up.

Guess what else. Matthew McCaughnehey and Ben Stiller and Jack Black were spotted on island today. hee hee

And I saved the best for last....

I bought a ukelele today and took a lesson. I LOVE it. I got a songbook so I can learn to play Patsy Cline's CRAZY.

My videos will be on YouTube soon.
Well, let's see if I can upload some stellar sunrises...

Mahalo!!!

Day 2 - chillin' like a villain

Finally figured out how to download some pics off digi...but now Blogger won't upload...dammit...I'll try later.

and news to report...we have our first trip to the emergency room taking place right now...Queen Lee Lee is taking her hubby to the eye care center. I think he bust a blood vein in his eye laughing too hard on the plane. It looks narly. Nurse Cole snapped into Project Manager mode, Googled "Kauai Eye Care" and found the urgent care center in 2.4 seconds. I am the person you want to take to a survivor camp...except that survivor camp must always have wireless internet, of course. Google and Cole are just the perfect partners in any emergency.

I spent hours in the evenings preparing a fun guide book for this trip...not knowing we would have this wifi connection. ha ha. I could have just waited until we got here!

Anyhoo...we positioned ourselves across from the water slides at the pool yesterday and I swear to God that was better than people watching at the airport. These crazy French bitches went down tandem and chubbier of the 2 body slammed one into the side. Hysterical. They were mixing drinks out of a backpack under the table. We couldn't tell if they were just too cheap to go to the bar or making some whacked drink the bar didn't offer. It was 2 toned in color...sprite on bottom and black on top. Looked like chocolate syrup poured onto Sprite. And they must go down smooth because they each had a 1/2 dozen of them!!!

Well, its 8:24 am and I haven't breathed fresh air yet. I've been up since 6:00 am and just reading People magazines and eating Hawaiian bread and drinking Hawaiian "Kaui Pie" flavored Coffee. Hawaii is the perfect vacay for me, because Coconut is my all-time favorite flavor. I swear to all things Hell Kitchen, I would eat liver if they covered it in coconut sauce with a side of coconut rice. My love of it spills into all souvenir purchases as well. I got a floating candle in a coconut shell yesterday!!! Our condo has a huge jacuzzi tub, and I plan to float with my coconut tonite. It's delicious here. Pineapple is in the water they serve...try it. You'll like it. Instead of a slice of lemon they put pineapple in their water. And orange slices too. Well, gotta go. Trash novel calling my name...pool chairs await. Surf to dance in...

coleyb - Mahalo!

Aloha from Kauai!!!

Greetings from the beautiful island of Kauai!!! Queen Lee Lee and I are having the most spectacular time...and of course, our husbands are here too. haha. Ok, I have just overdosed on coconut...I drank a coco-tini...which is coconut, pineapple a bunch of other juice and the glass was rimmed in toasted coconut. Then I ate coconut shrimp and had coconut rice with my Opah Fish. Now I am choking down a coconut cookie for dessert. YUUMMYYYY.

I have seriously been religious with the spf juice and did not get burned today at all. But I have to admit...I was the biggest kid at the pool. Me and 3-5 3rd graders took turns on the water slide while my husband video taped me. Hysterical. Hey, whatever, I was having fun. Going down with my arms up like I was on a rollercoaster. This after I was seriously embarrassed by the massage guy at the spa. He said that he often suggests extra towels for his clients from California with emplants.

1. Not all Californians have implants.
2. Mine are real.
3. Give me the towels and I will arrange my boobage. Damn.

I was about to die laughing because I said...hey, these are real. I mean if they were fake don't you think they would be staying put a little better? He was laughing at me too. So much for relaxation when Cole the Clown comes to town.

Anyway, he showed me the love, tucked the towel when appropriate and sent me on my way all oiled up and happy.

So, just thought I'd check in and say Mahalo!!!

ColeyB

Britney Suffers a Double Dumping

As my seester reported in an earlier comment...Britney's manager is done. This time, before she has a chance to fire him, he quit. As did her lawyer. Britney's peeps are leaving her holding her nasty hair weaves with no wear to turn. That's just mad stupid. I mean really, I would have milked her for atleast a few more weeks, because I truly feel she has hit rock bottom. The only thing left is the mug shot and I predict I will still be in Hawaii when that comes around. She is going to trade that umbrella for a six-shooter and take someone out on an off ramp that looks at her funny...I know it. We will not see an October moon without her spending some time in detention. I can feel it.

Mmmm Mmm Mm. Darn shame. That stupid girl rakes in more money than she can spend a month and still behaves like a selfish idiot. I asked my 17 year old friend if she watched the VMAs or Britney (my one person hip kid focus group) and she said..."why do I want to watch a girl that shaved her head? She's just stupid" So there you have it. Can't even get past the hair thing and could care less about the song. She's all about Rihanna and Carrie Underwood. WHAT??? YEP, MY LITTLE Veronica has gone country. But she just doesn't really know it. Carrie is cross over for her. Well, good for Carrie and Veronica. Anyway the good news in this is Veronica wants me to take her to a Carrie concert. I'm so excited. Someone that wants to go see Carrie with me. New album coming soon!!!! Can't wait!

Bye now.

My Day at the Mall, Magic shoes and other random stuff...

Warning people. This is going to be a long one…

I awoke this morning so incredibly inspired. Queen Lee Lee has guests, so I can’t call her and I just have so much to talk about. So, since I can’t call…and I’ve already yakked my mom and sister’s ears off, I’m going to dump my stories on you. Actually, I feel the need for a therapeutic confessional…

So here are my random thoughts:

Update on Lu’s Excellent Adventure to Greece: Our friend Lu is kicking some vacay ass. She is having a wonderful time. I’m telling you, I am going on a vacay with her some day. She absolutely knows how to rock it, and she is fucking funny as hell. She and her bff traveler companion have named several of the guests at her hotel, the main ones they see every now and again. They also have a theme song for the trip, something in Greek that sounds like “Walk the Line” so they call it Yanni Cash. LOL Here’s a little exerpt from her blog where she is talking about a stop her tour boat made on a random island :

I am not quite sure what we were doing stopping there...oh wait, I guess there are like 170 stairs to go to the village, which has ONE restaurant and NO stores...eww....We stayed at the shore and had some tasty vittles. Seriously, divey place and bumpin food. We had shrimp and bbq pork kabob, and then a greek salad (the standard) and then finished it off with a gyros from this other place. We were horsing it up/ Of course then we had to check out yet another rock beach and dip our toes in the water. Finally on our way back to the boat, we had some ice cream...Ok so that island was really just an eat stop for us.

See…Lu and I are just alike. Food and shopping would lure me to take 170 steps. Food only…Forget it. Shopping only…toss up. Depends on the value of the dollar.

New topic: My Day at the mall yesterday
People... I made that mall my bitch yesterday. Queen Lee Lee could not believe I was going shopping (this from the Queen of retail that has bought like 5 pairs of black shorts for a 7 day vacation…I digress…)
So, because she challenged me…I had to persevere. I was literally only going for 1 hour, to get some envelopes for Halloween cards I’m making, and to get a massage from the mall masseuse…so let’s start there.
Hour #1: I arrived at mall and immediately had to go to ladies room, which landed me in Macy’s. Mistake #1. First stop, the Christmas trees. I resisted and did not buy one ornament. Miracle. And that’s pretty much the last thing I resisted for the rest of the day. I went to the shoe department because it was by the escalator. Honestly, I had a 20% off shopping pass that was going off in my purse like a car alarm. Not buying something in Macy’s was like leaving money on the floor. It simply would not do. So, I ended up finding some 40% off shoes that I was going to buy full price a few weeks ago, but they didn’t have my size. And hooyah…cha-ching. 40% + add’l 20% off...they were practically free. ***Programming note: It’s key to note that my credit card has made it's maiden voyage out of the wallet and been scanned, along with a discount coupon. This little event summons a girl's best friend... the discount shopping karma fairy. She flies to the cash register, and sprinkles dollar sign dust on your card. This empowers the card to find tons of special bargains later on at the mall, and also guarantees you will use the card again, repeatedly, with discounts. Once the card has left the wallet, it’s VERY difficult to keep it locked up. Especially with the Discount Fairy Dust.

Now for those of you not at the Olympic level of shopping as I am…a multiple Gold Medalist…then you don’t know the shopping strategies I am about to share with you…free of charge. They aren’t so much strategies, more like “mental states of mind”. You’ve got to go into that mall, with the right attitude, to be rewarded with goods and services that make you feel like a Princess, but you paid for them, as if you are a pauper.

First, NEVER go to the mall with the voice in your head telling you that your purse is full of cash. This results in you finding nothing that you can afford, OR you buy something, just to buy it and you end up looking like Bea Arthur.
Second, NEVER go to the mall with the voice in your head telling you that time is irrelevant and you have all the time in the world. This results in you finding everything you need immediately, nothing excites you and you are done in 22 minutes. Buzz kill.
Third, ALWAYS shop with a list in your head of what you need and let the little voice rattle it off repeatedly. This allows the wonderful phenomenon my husband terms “seeing something shiny” which takes you completely off list and wandering into stores you would never, ever consider on another day. I call this “fuck the list” shopping and the euphoria is …well, euphoric.

Now, let’s see how I put these strategies into play.

Little voice sez:
“Cole, you don’t need a damn thing. Your suitcase is packed and it weighs 41.7 pounds. You have a little wiggle room in case you buy a souvenir. (In case…ha ha…I can’t believe the voice in my head actually said that with a straight voice…who is she kidding, that voice. She obviously doesn’t know me as well as the real me does…) And you need to save your money for the trip.”
Result: 2 new shirts for trip…Bargains. Couldn’t be passed up.

“Cole, you are here for 2 things…the massage and the Halloween cards”
“Cole, you have a pedicure appointment at 4:00…do not forget, and you have to stop by Trader Joe’s for garlic for dinner.”

3 hours later...Result:
Massage – check
Halloween cards – check
Random stores that sucked me in resulted in: new concealer, red shoes, black shoes, Old Navy hoodie (I have never gone in Old Navy in like 6 years…haha), Toffee Nut latte from non-Starbucks establishment, Chik-Fil-A because the mall tripper sample sucked me in…satin blouse from JC Penny (again, never shop there ever but it was so damn cheap it was practically free), black sweater at Macy’s…oh god I am dizzy just typing this all down. One trip to car to dump stuff and back in for round 2.

Hour number 4: This trip back inside, I found the special red shoes. OMG, I bought red patent leather shoes.
They are the most awesome shoes of my life. I feel so sassy in them, I decide to search out the perfect sweater to wear with them. And like, poof, there it is. I go into a store and it yells at me…Here I am…so I wisk into the dressing room and put it on, with the red shoes in place. And the salesgirl exclaims, cute! And the girl next to me sez “Cute”, but I don’t know, it’s a jumper and my boobs are jumping and I’m not feeling comfortable. I don’t know, it’s a tunic, and I’m not sure. It goes to my knees. Mmmm. And then, this 6 ft lady pops out and looks at me and says, “No”. Just like that. “No”. She says it made my ass look wide. Can you believe it? And then she said, ‘Sorry, I’m just honest…I feel like you ought to know.” She did tell me to buy the jeans because they made my ass look round, but no on the sweater. Why was this lady so enthralled with my ass…which I guess I now know is flat and wide as the Texas Plains. And I said, “Thank you…could you come to my house tomorrow and let me try on my entire wardrobe for you, I need some more “What Not To Wear” advice.” She laughed and went back into her room.
So, she saved me $50 bucks…and off I went.

To sum up the day…
Never made it to Trader Joe’s, spilled an entire coke on the floor in Macy’s while begging salesgirl to get a ladder to disrobe a mannequin, and was 2 minutes late for pedicure.

Reward: My husband took me to dinner in Napa, I wore my new red shoes, flirted with the bartender while husband was in bathroom and we were waiting on our table. Bigger reward: Bartender comped my wine and hubby’s beer. God those shoes are magic.

Five (5) Days until Hawaii. I already am noticing my restless leg syndrome is at an all-time speed with anticipation of the trip. OMG, I have to go find my sleeping pills and Xanex now. I tend to get overly excited like a Chihuahua on vacations, and that Xanex will really chill my ass down.
Happy Sunday everyone.

Oh No She DiT'Unt...Dissing a famous hairdresser...

Britney Spears's Hairdresser Quit Before VMA Performance
Before her now-notorious performance at Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas, Britney Spears had a spat with celebrity hairstylist Ken Paves, PEOPLE reports in its latest issue, on newsstands Friday.
Weeks before the awards show, "Britney had requested his two female assistants [to do her extensions] since she prefers women around her," and was disappointed when Paves himself arrived, says a Spears source. The stylist soon left, taking his hair with him.
"He bailed," says the source. Says Paves's rep: "Ken made the professional decision not to do her hair for the VMAs."
That wasn't Spears's only problem – there was also a wardrobe flap. An MTV rep says costumers picked out a form-flattering corset for her to wear, but Spears chose a bikini instead.

Does Brittany Spears even have an agent?

Julian wants to know...so you must want to know. And the answer is...oh yes she does.

And it's Jeff Kwatinez (of The Firm handles Leo DiCap and Cameron Diaz), here’s his pic and resume’.

-Brittany Murphy’s agent when she did the movie with Ashton Kutcher, pre-Demi Moore
-Engaged to Britany Murphy.
-Fired and romantically dumped by Britany Murphy
-Hired by Kelli Clarkson
-Killed Kelli’s summer concert tour
-Fired by Kelli Clarkson
-Hired by Brittany Spears

Are you seeing a trend?

Here's an industry article about the manager.
--------------
Britney Spears’ disastrous performance Sunday night at MTV’s Video Music Awards was bad for her — and worse for a lot of other people in Hollywood.

There will be a lot of finger-pointing Monday as Spears’ flabby, bloated, incoherent showing is dissected over and over.
But the real person to blame has to be Spears’ newish manager, Jeff Kwatinetz of The Firm.

Kwatinetz has already had a very bad year, nearly killing the career of original “American Idol” star Kelly Clarkson by letting her — or rather encouraging her — to buck the advice of Clive Davis and release a terrible album against his wishes.

What followed was a series of public embarrassments including the cancellation of Clarkson’s tour and her firing of Kwatinetz. The album, "My December," went on to sell a fraction of the number Clarkson had sold previously.
Now with Spears’ tanking live on international television, insiders will no doubt question Kwatinetz’s ability to manage anything.

My take on celebrity rip-off performances

I watched alot of YouTube stuff and Chelsea Lately, and I'd normally not jump on the bandwagon of bashing, particularly when talking about people in substance abuse that have serious addiction, which is a disease. I think Lindsay Lohan has a serious ego and mommy/daddy issues, coupled with being the main breadwinner of her family. That would f' up anyone, but she needs to go to a rehab that sez, pull up your big girl panties and get on with it, and getting on with it is not continuing to party like the rock star YOU ARE NOT. Ok, so back to Brit...

I don't want to be a hater blog...I just like to think about human nature alot, and celebrities are my favorite wild animals to study under the "Coleyscope", if you will. I study their diets and mating habits with unnatural curiosity, and thankfully live too far away to hunt them in the wilds of Hollywood...(although, around June of 2006, I did go on safari on Rodeo drive where I successfully captured a hug from American Idol, Ace Young. I digress)

Anyway, I got a note from Famous Julian today and he writes:
I've spent the last few days feeling bad for Britney Spears.
Everyone making fun of her performance at the MTV thingy.
"She's going through a hard time right now. Give the girl a break." I
thought to myself.
I hadn't taken the time to actually watch her performance.
I figured she did her best, and that people were being overly critical.
So last night I actually saw the show.
Oh my God.
I now share in everyone's outrage.
---------------
Thanks for the note Jules...and you know what. I too would feel sorry for her if:
1. She worked her ass off to get back in shape and did yoga, pilates, and all the other shit other stars making millions do. SHE is the product that her company produces and consumers consume...pure and simple. If Godiva started making chocolate that tasted like wax, I'd want my money back. Britney's performance was worse than any Sanjaya performance on AI last year. Atleast he got his groove on occasionally. You can’t put out a shit product and expect people not to ask for a refund.

2. She is rude and disrespectful. You reap what you sow. I read she showed up many hours late to rehearsal after having several frozen margaritas.

3. She doesn't prepare like a star or athlete or anyone even getting ready to be in a high school play. Who goes out until 3:00 am the night before your BIG COMEBACK??? She's an idiot.

4. Her management is doing her no good, someone has to be handling the contracts and getting them signed...drafting docs, etc. Answering the phones. Brittany clearing can't even remember to wear underwear, so if everyone just left her alone, I quite doubt she could even get past Starbuck's in a day. It appears her coochy gets waxed regularly, so her spa people must tote the wax to her villa. Her enablers need to cut out the support, and force her out of the limelight. For God's sake, Clive Davis squashed Kelly C. Where is Brit's label head?

So, that concludes my "why not to feel sorry for someone that earns $784,000 a month" blog.

ColeyB

BTW..."9 Days to Hawaii". Sizzling with excitement. I had to take sleeping pills last night I am already getting so excited. I am fully prepared to be awake all night the Thursday night before we leave. One week from tomorrow. I sort of wish that you could spring vacations on yourself. Like just wake up one morning and say "Oh, I've got to get to the airport..." And just fly away. Now that is my real dream. Buy all your shit when you get there. Down to your toothbrush. Grab a mag, coffee at the airport, hop aboard and leave all your troubles behind. Mmmm. I need to invent something today to make that a reality. Maybe I should write a book, like everyone says. It'd sure be better than that piece of pooh I just threw in the trash. Ok, I'm rambling now...which is a sign that I need lunch and I need to hang up the phone on this blog.

Bye again.

PPS: Still 9 days to Hawaii...in case you're keeping count. And I know you are.

Rarely do I do this...but on some occasions, it can't be helped..

You know I don't like to directly rip off another celebri-stalker site...I prefer to call my blogs "inspired by". But in this case, TMZ.com has posted a YouTube video that must be sent to you, my precious and discreet readers. I know it is beneath you to troll the masses of trash on YouTube, and you rely on me to pull out the pearls. And that is exactly what I have for you here...

I can't even describe this except to use my friend Amy's description: Trainwrecktastic Meet Your UberPsychoGayFan

http://www.tmz.com/2007/09/11/brit-fan-hops-crazytown-express/

Enjoy my partypeeps.

ColeyB

Wanna' See a Pop Stars Career Disappear?

Note to Britney:

Girl...you so did not need that sleezy magician Chris Angel, to make you disappear. That horrendous opening act was quite enough for the entire nation to say..."You're Done".

And girl...another thing. Your bikini wearing days are over...it's going to take a coal miner to dig that diamond out of your belly button, it's lodged so far in there. I mean, if you are willing to give up your 6 Starbucks a day habit, maybe, but everytime I see you, you've got the Caramel Macchiato in one hand and remnants of a muffin in the other.

And another thing girl...Barbie called and she wants her wig back. That hair was attrocious. Did you let Sean Preston style your hair tonite?

And finally, girl...sorry to report, but I just took the vote poll over at People.com and the question was simple>>>did Britney Sizzle or Fizzle. 88% reported a big fat FIZZLE.

You better pick up some M&M's on your way to Trade School...get yourself an edumacation, 'cuz it's going to take all the money you gots to get that act off YouTube and disappear. And the way that fat ass Perez is mocking you these days...oh girl you are in his gay little crosshairs and it's not going to let up for a while. You could always fire back making fun of his mustache which looks like pubic hair misplaced on his upper lip. He's a wreck and now he's invaded E!...my channel. Ugh.

Mmm Mmm Mmm. sad sad sad.

Fall TV Season is coming!!!

Tonite new tv kicks off with the Season Premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I love that show on HBO.

So, I watched the TV Guide Channels Fall TV Line Up Recap... and I must say, I am excited about some of the new boob tube shows coming.

Oh, hey, there was my baby sister on tv! Her commercial for Avon Cosmetics is running again. It's so weird to be watching tv and up pops your sister looking like a model, and not the freckled face pain in your butt that she really is. I'm just sayin...

Anyway, I wrote down all of the shows I am going to watch this season, so you can play along as well...

OMG, I am committing to watching 23 shows. I kid you not. It's insane. I don't know if I can do it, because that doesn't even count The Soup, Chelsea Lately, Ellen, All My Children and E! News Weekend. How am I going to do this? Well, first of all I guess we better start utilizing our second Tivo in the bedroom. And thirdly, no more exercise. The bike has to go into mothballs. Ok, kidding, but I am going to take it to work and ride it at lunch during the winter because it's dark by the time I get home anyway.

So, here the list of shows that are new:

Dirty Sexy Money: My most anticated show because I love Peter Krauss from Six Feet Under and it looks like a mix of Dynasty and Dallas, my all time fave shows.
Back to You: Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton play dueling newsachors. Funny
Gossip Girl: Bitchy kids on CW Network. Have to watch because I don't watch Gilmore Girls anymore. Husband will overrule this as soon as he processes what this is. I will maybe get 1 episode in before he kills it. This one is the candidate for the bedroom Tivo.
Dancing with teh STars: Bedroom Tivo 4sure. Ryan from All My Children is competing and I will be voting my ass off for him. He's 6 packs of sex, and I can't wait to watch. Greg will be in the garage working on race car during this 4 sure.
Pushing Daisies: Mmm. Supernatural weird but looks good. Guy touches people once, they come back to life, touch them again, they die forever. If he doesn't touch them again, someone else must die.
Cashmere Mafia: Candice Bushnells new entry that is sort of Sex in the City, except we see these chicks earn a living. Lucy Liu, Brooke Shields, the chick from 24 and a chick from Melrose Place or Bev 90210...can't remember. Whatev. Looks worthy of TIVO space
Kid nation: 40 kids try to survive in ghost town. Appeals to my desire to be a psychologist. Sort of a Lord of the Flies thing.
American Band: duh. just watch it. Of course it's going to be good. For those of you who don't know, this is the American Idol produced show looking for an entire band, not just a singer.
Big Shots: Dylon McDermott and James Vartan...let's call this Desperate MenWorker Whores.

Shit I won't be wasting TIVO space on:

Chuck: Hello? The staged it at Melrose Place set. Like WTF? It's Hottie Hotel. Who could forget that? Lame. I think Heather Locklear's bathing suit top is still stuck in the pool drain. And I swear I saw Andrew Shue tanning. So, that's where he disappeared to. He really never left the apartment building.
30 Rock: I don't care that they are toting out Jerry Seinfeld. It's a weird show and I don't like Alec Baldwin. Period.
All the CSI, cop killer, forensic evidence shows: I think these are just the equivalent of University of Phoenix for criminals. They just train the bad people how not to get caught. It's not good to give away all the tricks of our justice system.

Non of the game shows are worthy of my time. Smart Ass 5th graders, dumb chicks with brief cases, Joey Fat One and his singing bee...all lame as hell.

Greg sez we have to watch Survivor. Ok, I'll toss him a bone and let him. Because I ditched watching 24 with him. My blood pressure couldn't take it. I barely made it through The Bourne Ultimatum. If I hadn't just seen Matt Damon in People Magazine swimming in Hawaii, I would have not made it through that movie.

Ok, so I know I didn't list 23 shows: Here's the rest of MUST SEE COLE TV:
Ugly Betty, The Office, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice (Grey's spinoff), Two and A Half Men, My Name is Earl, Madmen, Amazing Race, Project Runway, Rules of Engagement, "Til Death, Desperate Housewives, and Ellen is the only thing on daytime. I'm done with Oprah. Sorry. Seen it all. No topic left to discuss.

And for those of you that stayed with me through this whole thing...my last tidbit of tv wisdom. The show you should be watching but may not be is

MAD MEN. IT'S EXCELLENT. Set in the 50's and a dark drama. Well acted, written and directed. Me and the hubby are eating it up. Very good tv.

Nighty Nite.

Ever Have One of Those Days....

...I should have known this one was headed straight to the crapper when I realized 20 miles into my commute I forgot to brush my teeth. Fuck.

I mean really. What is so occupying my mind that I would pass that Sonic toothbrush right on by as if it's an optional tool in the bathroom. Right there in it's pristine little pedestal on the shiny granite counter it sat...waiting for it's morning buzz...but to no avail.

Thank God I have the free toothbrush and toothpaste the dentist gave me 3 years ago in my desk. I never throw anything away. Anyway, I have been so busy, I didn't make it to the bathroom until 1:45 pm to brush them. YUK. And now I am so dispondent I just had to blog. And I put my headphones on and vowed to listen to the first thing that came on. No changing it. Well, of course "A" was the choice and I got Adam Ant and Ashlee Simpson so far...WTF. I need to cull out the old itunes of the old shit.

Hey! I forgot. I found the funniest thing to tell y'all about last night at Best Buy. No I did NOT buy it. It's the UNAUTHORIZED American Idol Behind the Scenes. And you flip it over and just take a guess as to who is commenting...
1. Jessica Sierra - well, this weekend she had her court date for assault and battery postponed because she is in rehab for the 2nd time in 6 mo. due to possible near O'D. Mmmmm.
2. Corey Clark - alleged bf of Pauler. Ummm...also arrested this weekend for possession and probation violation. Currently enjoying "3 Hots and a cot" in county jail.
3. Marilu Henner - WTF?
4. Kimberly Caldwell - willing to do anything for fame.


Well, I'm feeling better. My teeth are clean and I have a brand new "fuck it" attitude to sport for the rest of the afternoon.

:) xoxo ColeyB